8 Ways Winter Is Mildly Inconveniencing

Saturday, February 1, 2014

In some parts of the United States, winter is a serious issue: Ice and snow storms can cripple cities and even whole states, as electricity lines freeze or break, and roads become utterly impassable by even the most formidable snowplows. However, these conditions are by no means common during wintertime; instead, most of the country is shadowed by mild inconveniences for the darkest months of the year.

Even as winter winds down and spring starts to rear its beautiful head, we can’t help but catalogue our least favorite aspects of the past season.

1. Clothing Is Less Flattering

Remember that scene in “A Christmas Story” when Ralphie’s younger brother is so wrapped up in his cold-weather coats that he can’t even move his arms? That joke resonates because it is exactly how people feel after donning just the necessities to combat cold winter weather.

No matter one’s body shape underneath all that clothing, everyone emerges as formless blobs of down jackets and rubber boots, which is a major buzz-kill for fashion devotees.

2. Feet Are Frozen Inside and Out

There is nothing quite as innocently pleasurable about taking our shoes and walking around barefoot in the comfort of one’s own home — but winter strips us of that simple joy.

Unless there is a winter-proof house out there with carpet even in bathrooms and kitchens, there will be some point during this dreadful season when everyone will suffer from the frigid feel of a freezing floor on the delicate skin of the sole.

3. Smoking Outside Isn’t Cool Anymore

Smoking lends itself well to social interaction, during the warm months at least. When the weather is nice, smokers gather outside to share lighters and stories before they head back inside.

Unfortunately, winter puts a momentary end to this exciting pastime, as venturing outside to lawfully light up becomes a daunting, unsatisfying chore, what with the mixture of frigid and scorching air in our lungs every time we take a drag. Fortunately, e-cigarettes offer a respite in some states that still allow vaping indoors.

4. It Is Harder to Get Up in the Morning

Somehow, every year we forget that accompanying winter’s freezing temperatures is a seemingly unending night. As though peeling oneself out of a warm bed isn’t traumatic enough, during the winter we must also struggle to find light switches while our bodies remain obstinately half-asleep.

The lack of morning light confuses our circadian rhythm, which means most people never feel fully rested for the duration of the cold weather months.

5. Heating Bills Are High

Even those crazy people who enjoy winter weather aren’t about to invite it into their homes. In order to effectively combat frigid temperatures, most homes and apartments must be thoroughly heated for most of the day and all of the night.
Even frugal people who heat their homes just enough to stay alive at night will see huge spikes in their gas or electricity bills — and they’ll still have to sleep in mittens and three pairs of socks.

6. Makeup Doesn’t Matter

As demonstrated initially by the section on seasonal fashion, winter effectively decimates a person’s ability to look cute even with the aid of beauty products. The crisp winter wind turns all exposed skin bright red, and the dry air causes it to lose moisture and peel. Thus, even when we are comfortably warm indoors, we all look like desiccated lobsters, with or without the added bonus of visibly smeared makeup.

7. Cold Foods Are Impossible

While warm food is often more filling, cold foods tend to win out for their fun and ease of preparation. Like revenge, dishes like ice cream, raw fruits and vegetables, dips, smoothies, and more are best served cold, which makes them completely unsatisfying when the temperatures drop. Those unwilling to fast until spring must suffer from near-instant brain freeze or prolonged internal chills by simply eating their favorite foods.

8. Everything Is Wet All the Time

Winter brings an unhelpful moistness that just won’t go away. Though air and skin alike feel unbearably bone-dry, it seems that clothing and hair can’t exist in any other state but wet. This wetness only serves to exacerbate the chill and encourage illness, which is simply another reason in the unending list of why we can’t wait for spring to come again.