Yesterday, I caught myself bouncing in the driver's seat of the car as I was driving down the road. You know... when you're bouncing a little to the music playing on the radio.
Who cares? Right?
Well, it has significance in my life.
A few years ago, my sister mentioned to me that I didn't bounce in my car anymore. It was a comment that compared my current state as someone who had recently gone through severe postpartum depression with the highly energetic and happy person I was in high school. When she said it, it made me sad. I wanted to bounce again. I wanted to be that happy again. Yet nothing seemed worth bouncing over.
In high school, I loved everything. All the world around me made me happy. There was absolutely nothing to truly be down about. The world was not a scary or horrifying place. So why not bounce to the music as I happily drove down the road.
That's what I did. All. The. Time.
It must have been something that stuck out to my sister. Otherwise, she wouldn't have mentioned it years later.
I spent the next several years thinking on her comment. It would come to mind and I would wonder if I could ever happily bounce to joyful music once again.
That happiness from high school seemed so far removed from who I had become.
I went from a happy carefree high school student to eventually becoming a cynical college student... and then a new mother dealing with postpartum depression.
Bouncing did not appear to be anywhere in the future.
Quite frankly, I couldn't sing London Bridge is Falling Down or Ring Around the Rosie without the darkness of those songs hitting me hard.
This Summer we took a stroll/hike while we were vacationing in Tennessee - this rock greeted us once we had crossed a long swinging bridge. It actually made me mad to read it. That is what postpartum can do to you. A lingering irrational hatred of happiness. It can pop up out of nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. You're mad that people want you to be happy. Happiness has to then take you by surprise and just take over.
But yesterday - I realized another step in the long journey to truly be past postpartum depression. I was bouncing to the music while driving down the road. The kids and I were singing and having a great time.
Every time I think that I am fully beyond it - I cross another stone that reminds me just how hard it is to come back from the darkness of PPD.
I am so grateful and thankful for the blessing of getting past postpartum one step at a time!
I am thankful for a sister who reminded me to bounce.
I am thankful for children who sang and bounced right along with me - reminding me of the sweetly pure and simple enjoyments to be had in life.